Matt and I came from very different families. Mine are politically far left liberal Jews, Matt’s fairly conservative politically center right Irish Catholics. When we met, I was Wiccan but hadn’t defined myself as such. I was busy building a non-faith based spirituality around my experiences – if I lived through an unexplainable occurance – metaphysical or otherwise – I needed to augment my growing belief system to include it. This continues to this day and is something I love about my ever changing, ever growing non-dogmatic religion:)
Anyway, we both wanted to include our families in our wedding, although running off and eloping would have been a good idea in retrospect. A church wedding was obviously out, as was a temple, and a hand-tying ceremony wasn’t to be until our 10th anniversary. We happened to find a multi-faith clergyman (not easy to find in 1994), who led us through the writing of our own vows.
Although it’s been 15 years, and executing this type of multi-faith ceremony is much more common, I thought I’d share what Matt and I came up with, as it utilizes the beauty of so many different cultures, and illustrates the commonality of this rite of passage that so many of us share.
Please read it, be moved by it if it moves you, and let it inspire you, but don’t copy it directly. These vows are sacred to us, and we questioned for a long time sharing them with the world. We borrowed from many sources, and ended up with an original ceremony. I’m sure anyone else would want to have vows that were their own, so I feel confident in sharing.
Two warnings: It’s LONG, and I was called Felicia (my birthname) back 15 years ago. I’ve been called Fae for the past 14 years…not even my parents call me Felicia. The only people that call me Felicia are my doctors because I haven’t changed my name legally. There are reasons why my name changed, but that’s another post:)
Who presents this bride in marriage?
Family and friends, welcome. Felicia and Matthew have invited us here tonight to
celebrate their love and to witness their marriage. They come to this moment in
their lives as friends, and seek to affirm their special relationship through
this act of commitment. They are here to
declare and make public their commitment to each other and their determination
to journey together from this time and place.
Marriage is the joining of two lives – the mystical, physical and emotional union of two
beings who have separate families and histories. It is the merging and
intermeshing not only of two bodies and two personalities, but also of two
stories. Two individuals, each of whom has a unique and life-shaping past, have
willingly chosen to set aside the solitary exploration of themselves
to discover who they are in the presence of one another. Marriage is an
invitation to transcend the human condition, for in stepping beyond
self-centeredness and schooling ourselves in putting another human being ahead
of one’s self, we touch the web of transcendence, the presence of the divine.
Felicia and Matthew shall now take the two outside candles and light them. This
reflects their separateness, their individual love, and their gratitude for
life. They are two distinct lights, each capable of going their separate ways.
To bring bliss and happiness to their home, though, there must be the merging
of these two lights into one.
From now on, their thought shall be for each other rather than for their individual
selves. Their plans shall be mutual, their joys, their sorrows shall be shared
alike.
Each now takes a candle and they together light the center one, extinguishing the
separateness, thus letting the center candle represent the union of their
lives. As this one candle cannot be divided, neither shall their lives be
divided. May the radiance of the one light be a testimony of their love.
Felicia and Matthew come from different faiths and family backgrounds. They know that
some may focus on their differences; however, they also know that the strength
of their love, respect and devotion for each other brings them to a common
faith – one which is based upon their belief in each other, as well as in their
union as lifelong partners and lovers. What is in their hearts is the only
significant and true wedding of two people, yet it is our responsibility to
assist and support them at all time, and, as a community, to cherish the love
and commitment they have for each other.
Before the ceremony, you, Felicia and Matthew, separately wrote letters, statements of
promises that represent your love and commitment to each other. At the
conclusion of the ceremony, you will exchange these letters of promises. They
are to be opened and read in the quiet intimacy of your togetherness tonight.
Each year on your anniversary take out your letters, read them aloud to each
other, and add new thoughts. This will serve as a loving reminder of the vows
spoken here.
From “The Prophet” by Kalil Gilbran we read the passage on friendship, which Matthew
and Felicia believe describes their relationship and will be the foundation for
a full and loving marriage:
“Your friend is your needs
answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him
with your hunger and you seek him for peace. When your friend speaks his
mind, you fear not the ‘nay’ in your mind, nor do you withhold the ‘ay’. And
when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart: for without
words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and
shared, with joy that is unacclaimed. When you part from your friend, you
grieve not; for that which you love most in him may be clearer by his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain. And let there be no
purpose in friendship shave the deepening of spirit.
For love that seeks naught but the disclosure of its own mystery, is not love, but a net cast forth; and only the
unprofitable is caught. And let your best be for your friend. If he must know
the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend,
that you should seek hours to kill? Seek
him always with hours to live. For it is his to fill your need, but not your
emptiness. And in the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and
sharing of pleasures, for in the dew of little things, the heart finds its
morning and it is refreshed.”
Felicia and Matthew, you stand before one another with
hope, love, affection, and the understanding that when one is weak, the other
will be strong. When one cries, the other will wipe away the tears. When one
needs joy, the other will bring laughter, When one
needs strength, the other will bring encouragement.
A marriage is a home interwoven with hopes, memories, and dreams. The
thankfulness and love it can bring have no comparison.
In marriage, walk the path together, side by side whenever possible, and remember
to hold each other when it is cold. If the air becomes to close, make a little
space so each can breathe. When the path is narrow, pick one to go first. Be
willing to follow and never afraid to lead. Trust your partner; trust yourself,
for marriage is a journey that leads to great love.
The vows you are about to take are as old as civilization, and as universal as love
itself. They serve to reaffirm your spiritual unity and the life’s journey you
will be sharing.
Matthew, will you have Felicia to be your wedded wife, to live with in the state of
matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honour her, keep her in sickness and
in health, and keep to her forsaking all others, so long as you both shall
live?
Felicia, will you have Matthew to be your wedded husband, to live with in the state of
matrimony? Will you love him, comfort him, honour him, keep him in sickness and
in health, and keep to him forsaking all others, so long as you both shall
live?
[get the rings out]
The circle is a symbol of the earth and the universe. It is a sign of completion,
perfection, and peace. In these rings, the circle is a symbol of unity. Your
lives are now to be joined in one unbroken circle. Wherever you go, may you
always return to each other.
Now Matthew will make his vow of commitment. Repeat after me:
Felicia, from this day on I choose you to be my wife, to live with you and laugh with
you, to stand by your side and comfort you with my embrace. I promise to listen
to you and labour with you, to encourage you and support you, to believe in you
even when you doubt yourself, and to be the mirror of your highest value. I
promise to nurture you with my gentleness, and uphold you with my strength, to
honour you and to change with you. The windows of my soul will remain forever open
to you, and I will hold myself beside you for all the days of my life.
This is my heartfelt promise.
This is my solemn vow.
Felicia, it is your turn to make your vow of commitment. Repeat after me:
Matthew, from this day on I choose you to be my husband, to live with you and laugh with
you, to stand by your side and comfort you with my embrace. I promise to listen
to you and labour with you, to encourage you and support you, to believe in you
even when you doubt yourself, and to be the mirror of your highest value. I
promise to nurture you with my gentleness, and uphold you with my strength, to
honour you and to change with you. The windows of my soul will remain forever
open to you, and I will hold myself beside you for all the days of my life.
This is my heartfelt promise.
This is my solemn vow.
The marriage of Felicia and Matthew has called us together because this union
touches each one of us. A new family is established in our midst, and we
celebrate and affirm that new relationship, with the bride and groom.
Please respond.
Do you, who are family and friends of this couple affirm your
continuing and love to Felicia and Matthew as they grow in their marriage? Do
you offer to them the best of your care and counsel in the times of struggle
and your celebration with them in their times of joy? Will you wholeheartedly
accept each of them in this community and share with them the tasks of making
the world a neighbourhood of human caring and support?
[Wait for response]
Now for you there is no
rain, for one is shelter to the other.
Now for you there is no
darkness, for one is counsel to the other.
Now for you there is no
pain, for one is comfort to the other.
Now for you there is no
night, for one is light to the other.
Now for you there is no
cold, for one is warmth to the other.
Now for you the snow has
ended always.
Your fears, your wants, your
needs at rest.
It is that way – Today,
tomorrow, forever.
Now it is good and there is
always shelter.
And now there is always
warmth,
And now there is always
comfort.
Now there is no loneliness,
Now, forever, forever, you
are as one.
There are two bodies, but
there is one heart in both of them and you are the same person.
Felicia and Matthew have chosen to incorporate the Jewish tradition of breaking a glass
at the end of the marriage ceremony. The fragility of glass suggests the
fragility of human relationships. Even the strongest love is subject to
disintegration. The glass is broken to protect the marriage with the prayer:
“…as this glass shatters, so
may your marriage never break”
A broken glass cannot be mended. Likewise, marriage is
irrevocable. It is a transforming experience that leaves individuals forever
changed. It is a covenant between two people that cannot be broken.
Inasmuch as Felicia and Matthew have consented together in marriage before this company,
have pledged their faith and declared their unity, and have given and received
a ring, I now pronounce them Husband and Wife.
You may kiss the bride….
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